Monday, August 29, 2011

An Ending and A Beginning

Today is a very bittersweet day for me. I started this blog with an intention to chronicle a few ridiculous dating stories and some of my thoughts. However, unexpectedly, I met a boy on the metro within a month or so of getting to D.C., and I fell deeply in love. We had about 10 months of beautiful contentment and happiness, until he left for a new job in San Francisco. This morning, we said goodbye for the last time.

It wasn't everything I wanted, but dating and loving MetroBoy was something I can never regret. And yet, I saw a part of him this weekend that opened my eyes a little and told me that where he is right now is somewhere that I can't be, in more ways than one. I learned that, as much as I love him, he can't be the man I need and the man I deserve, at least not right now.

MetroBoy's not particularly introspective or self-aware, and he said that, at the end, there's been a build up of resentment for us. He couldn't think why or what was behind it, but it resulted from him being incapable of expressing his feelings. Well, for me, at the end, I thought of the beginning. I remembered our first date when we carved pumpkins and walked and talked for hours. The nights he would watch me study and bring me little things to lift up my spirits. When he took me to a midnight showing of Harry Potter at the Smithsonian imax after my last final. This Fourth of July when we set off illegal fireworks at the park and went out to watch a firework's show. I remembered the times when he was so head-over-heels in love that he did everything just to be around me.

The last month has been difficult. I've had to come to the realization that he wasn't going to step up the plate and be the man I needed him to be. And then, of course, were the difficulties of attempting to transition to being just friends. But, mostly, it's been hard counting down the days until he left and knowing that I may never see him again, or that if I do, it will never be the same.

But ending things when he left for San Francisco was the right thing to do. He simply couldn't be the man I needed him to be. And it taught me a great deal about what I want and what I don't want in a man. There was the obvious deal-breaker, which was that he never saw himself getting married and having children, but it was so much more than that. It's difficult to be with someone who, in spite of having five years on you, is entirely unaware of who he is and what he wants in life. Our relationship was lacking in communication, something neither of us are particularly good at. But more than that, MetroBoy couldn't grow up enough to deal with his own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. MetroBoy runs away from his problems because he is unable to face them. He is entirely unable to commit to something or someone fully because he lives in fear of becoming like his father. Like many fears, this fear and others control him. He avoids things for as long as he possibly can and is unable to truly appreciate anything in his life until he loses it. And because he bottles things up and is entirely unable to deal with his emotions, he can sometimes be unintentionally cruel. It was this that I had the most trouble realizing. A part of me always knew and recognized that he had a mean streak somewhere buried behind his kindness and compassion, and though I knew it, I never thought that it would be directed at me. He wasn't intentionally hurtful, but it stemmed from his avoidance and fears. Ultimately, he couldn't fight for me or for us. Coming from a broken home has left him unable to comprehend some of the most basic necessities of commitment. My biggest regret was that he couldn't be there for me when I needed him.

But loving MetroBoy was worth it. He is a good man who always made me smile. He has this understated passion and love for life and a positivity hidden, a bit, by his sarcasm and critical nature. He treated me as well as he was able, and I loved his humor, silliness, adventurousness, motivation, and intelligence.

So, saying goodbye wasn't easy or happy, but it had to happen. Besides, there are more than enough gentleman vying for my attentions. I'm not really thrilled to be back in the dating arena, but it's alright. I have another chance to find someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. So, it's onward and upward, and who know, but hopefully I'll have some new fun and entertaining stories to add to the story of my love life. Furthermore, you never really know what will happen in life. Perhaps, as unlikely as it is, I'll someday be in San Francisco, and MetroBoy will have grown into the type of man that I need him to be.