Today is a very bittersweet day for me. I started this blog with an intention to chronicle a few ridiculous dating stories and some of my thoughts. However, unexpectedly, I met a boy on the metro within a month or so of getting to D.C., and I fell deeply in love. We had about 10 months of beautiful contentment and happiness, until he left for a new job in San Francisco. This morning, we said goodbye for the last time.
It wasn't everything I wanted, but dating and loving MetroBoy was something I can never regret. And yet, I saw a part of him this weekend that opened my eyes a little and told me that where he is right now is somewhere that I can't be, in more ways than one. I learned that, as much as I love him, he can't be the man I need and the man I deserve, at least not right now.
MetroBoy's not particularly introspective or self-aware, and he said that, at the end, there's been a build up of resentment for us. He couldn't think why or what was behind it, but it resulted from him being incapable of expressing his feelings. Well, for me, at the end, I thought of the beginning. I remembered our first date when we carved pumpkins and walked and talked for hours. The nights he would watch me study and bring me little things to lift up my spirits. When he took me to a midnight showing of Harry Potter at the Smithsonian imax after my last final. This Fourth of July when we set off illegal fireworks at the park and went out to watch a firework's show. I remembered the times when he was so head-over-heels in love that he did everything just to be around me.
The last month has been difficult. I've had to come to the realization that he wasn't going to step up the plate and be the man I needed him to be. And then, of course, were the difficulties of attempting to transition to being just friends. But, mostly, it's been hard counting down the days until he left and knowing that I may never see him again, or that if I do, it will never be the same.
But ending things when he left for San Francisco was the right thing to do. He simply couldn't be the man I needed him to be. And it taught me a great deal about what I want and what I don't want in a man. There was the obvious deal-breaker, which was that he never saw himself getting married and having children, but it was so much more than that. It's difficult to be with someone who, in spite of having five years on you, is entirely unaware of who he is and what he wants in life. Our relationship was lacking in communication, something neither of us are particularly good at. But more than that, MetroBoy couldn't grow up enough to deal with his own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. MetroBoy runs away from his problems because he is unable to face them. He is entirely unable to commit to something or someone fully because he lives in fear of becoming like his father. Like many fears, this fear and others control him. He avoids things for as long as he possibly can and is unable to truly appreciate anything in his life until he loses it. And because he bottles things up and is entirely unable to deal with his emotions, he can sometimes be unintentionally cruel. It was this that I had the most trouble realizing. A part of me always knew and recognized that he had a mean streak somewhere buried behind his kindness and compassion, and though I knew it, I never thought that it would be directed at me. He wasn't intentionally hurtful, but it stemmed from his avoidance and fears. Ultimately, he couldn't fight for me or for us. Coming from a broken home has left him unable to comprehend some of the most basic necessities of commitment. My biggest regret was that he couldn't be there for me when I needed him.
But loving MetroBoy was worth it. He is a good man who always made me smile. He has this understated passion and love for life and a positivity hidden, a bit, by his sarcasm and critical nature. He treated me as well as he was able, and I loved his humor, silliness, adventurousness, motivation, and intelligence.
So, saying goodbye wasn't easy or happy, but it had to happen. Besides, there are more than enough gentleman vying for my attentions. I'm not really thrilled to be back in the dating arena, but it's alright. I have another chance to find someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. So, it's onward and upward, and who know, but hopefully I'll have some new fun and entertaining stories to add to the story of my love life. Furthermore, you never really know what will happen in life. Perhaps, as unlikely as it is, I'll someday be in San Francisco, and MetroBoy will have grown into the type of man that I need him to be.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Why I regret going to law school
It's not because I don't like the law because I do. It's not because I don't like to work hard because I do (within certain limits). It's because I don't want to spend the rest of my life around a bunch of misogynist assholes.
To any woman considering a legal career,
Read the comments to AbovetheLaw for a couple months. If you can handle the disgusting, blatant sexism and racism, then maybe you'll be able to handle spending 90 hours a week, every week for the rest of your life in the company of the scum of the earth. Otherwise, do reconsider.
Sincerely,
Societal Deviant
Most recent inspiration for this post: http://abovethelaw.com/2011/06/fame-brief-naomi-campbell-may-sue-cadbury%E2%80%99s-over-%E2%80%98racist%E2%80%99-ad/#disqus_thread
To any woman considering a legal career,
Read the comments to AbovetheLaw for a couple months. If you can handle the disgusting, blatant sexism and racism, then maybe you'll be able to handle spending 90 hours a week, every week for the rest of your life in the company of the scum of the earth. Otherwise, do reconsider.
Sincerely,
Societal Deviant
Most recent inspiration for this post: http://abovethelaw.com/2011/06/fame-brief-naomi-campbell-may-sue-cadbury%E2%80%99s-over-%E2%80%98racist%E2%80%99-ad/#disqus_thread
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Understanding and Enlightenment Without Judgment
I think it's interesting and a little sad that Osama Bin Ladin's death has become yet another divisive issue eliciting scorn and judgment of those who don't agree with us.
I will continue to assert that my full intentions with citing the corrected versions of the "MLK quote" were, truly, a mixture of finals insanity and annoyance at a tendency we all (including, me) have to believe things that are on facebook and continue falsities, some of them derogatory, hurtful, or blatantly sexist or racist. (If you weren't a party to my late night procrastination and sleep deprivation-induced spamming, see here.) But, I also kept feeling as there was something distasteful about the way the "MLK quote" was used, and I couldn't put my finger on why I would feel this way about something I, more or less, agreed with.
When I found out that Osama Bin Ladin was dead, rather than jubilation, I, personally felt a solemn sense of satisfaction and, perhaps, a little vindication. Because of this, I thoroughly identified with many of the similar quotes before the "MLK quote" erupted. I felt ill-at-ease and a little uncomfortable with the celebratory, back-patting response Osama's death elicited and, more so, with the over-broad, ill-supported assertions that our wars in the Middle East were winding up in response.
After a little thought, I decided that I felt this way because, the way the quote was used seemed, to me, to contain undertones of derision, judgement and condemnation.
Now, don't get me wrong, there is no way I am claiming to be any less judgmental than others. For that matter, I think that it's appropriate to judge a person's character by their actions and, perhaps, on rare occasion, even their beliefs. But judging someone's emotional response to the catching the perpetrator of an unimaginable tragedy bothers me intensely.
I've watched those I love and care for deal with tragedy in whatever way was easiest for them. I've also seen others judge them for either not being demonstrative enough in their grief, being too demonstrative and whatever other ways people come up with to judge others in an attempt to feel morally superior. I think there is something outright unkind and a little cruel in attempting to quantify, contain and control someone's demonstrations of grief.
Clearly, there is some difference between the grief of us who have been luck not to have a loved one die in 9/11 or in our wars abroad. I couldn't begin to fathom the pain and reactions I would have. Who know, but that, I would become that which I can't help but despise and begin shouting out for more war. While I think that this might be a bit of a stretch, I really can't understand what some go through. But even if I and many others are not qualified to speak of the agony of losing a loved one to terrorism or our wars, 9/11 was a strange event that touched the deepest part of many of us. It would be a lie to say that I didn't feel incredible grief and loss after 9/11 or that I don't still feel that whenever I hear of a promising youth die as a consequence, whether directly or indirectly, of terrorism.
I do think that the goals of the 99% of the expressions of distaste at the celebrations going on are to attempt to be more saint-like, Christ-like, Muhammad-like (though I will never see him being a polygamist as God's intention), God-like, or just good, in general. And I think this is an absolutely wonderful thing. I truly applaud those who work towards this every day. I just think that taking this a step further to condemning those whose reactions differ from yours (even if it does make them less like MLK or what you see God to be) is not pursuing spiritual enlightenment, but rather an self-aggrandizing gesture at moral superiority.
Besides, aren't there more productive things to disagree about and judge each other about. I mean, I don't know about you, but I still haven't seen Osama Bin Ladin's death certificate.
Anyways, I should probably get back to the final I'm going to fail in 5 hours.
I will continue to assert that my full intentions with citing the corrected versions of the "MLK quote" were, truly, a mixture of finals insanity and annoyance at a tendency we all (including, me) have to believe things that are on facebook and continue falsities, some of them derogatory, hurtful, or blatantly sexist or racist. (If you weren't a party to my late night procrastination and sleep deprivation-induced spamming, see here.) But, I also kept feeling as there was something distasteful about the way the "MLK quote" was used, and I couldn't put my finger on why I would feel this way about something I, more or less, agreed with.
When I found out that Osama Bin Ladin was dead, rather than jubilation, I, personally felt a solemn sense of satisfaction and, perhaps, a little vindication. Because of this, I thoroughly identified with many of the similar quotes before the "MLK quote" erupted. I felt ill-at-ease and a little uncomfortable with the celebratory, back-patting response Osama's death elicited and, more so, with the over-broad, ill-supported assertions that our wars in the Middle East were winding up in response.
After a little thought, I decided that I felt this way because, the way the quote was used seemed, to me, to contain undertones of derision, judgement and condemnation.
Now, don't get me wrong, there is no way I am claiming to be any less judgmental than others. For that matter, I think that it's appropriate to judge a person's character by their actions and, perhaps, on rare occasion, even their beliefs. But judging someone's emotional response to the catching the perpetrator of an unimaginable tragedy bothers me intensely.
I've watched those I love and care for deal with tragedy in whatever way was easiest for them. I've also seen others judge them for either not being demonstrative enough in their grief, being too demonstrative and whatever other ways people come up with to judge others in an attempt to feel morally superior. I think there is something outright unkind and a little cruel in attempting to quantify, contain and control someone's demonstrations of grief.
Clearly, there is some difference between the grief of us who have been luck not to have a loved one die in 9/11 or in our wars abroad. I couldn't begin to fathom the pain and reactions I would have. Who know, but that, I would become that which I can't help but despise and begin shouting out for more war. While I think that this might be a bit of a stretch, I really can't understand what some go through. But even if I and many others are not qualified to speak of the agony of losing a loved one to terrorism or our wars, 9/11 was a strange event that touched the deepest part of many of us. It would be a lie to say that I didn't feel incredible grief and loss after 9/11 or that I don't still feel that whenever I hear of a promising youth die as a consequence, whether directly or indirectly, of terrorism.
I do think that the goals of the 99% of the expressions of distaste at the celebrations going on are to attempt to be more saint-like, Christ-like, Muhammad-like (though I will never see him being a polygamist as God's intention), God-like, or just good, in general. And I think this is an absolutely wonderful thing. I truly applaud those who work towards this every day. I just think that taking this a step further to condemning those whose reactions differ from yours (even if it does make them less like MLK or what you see God to be) is not pursuing spiritual enlightenment, but rather an self-aggrandizing gesture at moral superiority.
Besides, aren't there more productive things to disagree about and judge each other about. I mean, I don't know about you, but I still haven't seen Osama Bin Ladin's death certificate.
Anyways, I should probably get back to the final I'm going to fail in 5 hours.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sex, feminism, and sexism
So, this blog started with the intent of chronicling entertaining dating experiences in a new city. However, somehow I actually ended up in a relationship that, for the first time, I'm entirely content to be in. I've also realized that I'm not fabulous at being intentionally funny. Thus, I figured I'd start writing about things that are often on my mind and that I love thinking/writing/talking about.
This blog will now feature articles about sex, sexism and feminism and, of course, other random thoughts that pop into my head. I'm currently planning out and starting writing on a few articles, including why I am a feminist, thoughts on pornography and feminism, and my friends' and my sexual (mis)adventures.
More to come ... when my finals are over.
This blog will now feature articles about sex, sexism and feminism and, of course, other random thoughts that pop into my head. I'm currently planning out and starting writing on a few articles, including why I am a feminist, thoughts on pornography and feminism, and my friends' and my sexual (mis)adventures.
More to come ... when my finals are over.
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